Well, it appears I've been hitting a wall. The ways I could describe these feelings could fill a dozen trash cans. I've even reached out to a couple people I know to help describe and cope with the feelings I've had. They are friends who have traveled, felt culture shock, or have lived uprooted before. After talking it out with them, putting these feelings into words, and bouncing them off of others, I've come up with a diagnosis:
"Lifestyle Shock"
It's like culture shock, but I'm not really sticking to one 'culture' out here. I'm not staying in once place. I'm not particularly 'belonging' anywhere- it's just a huge shift in my day-to-day and the feelings that come with it.
It comes from an array of stimuli. I think I first felt it when I arrived in Vancouver and I had the night to myself. I walked down a busy touristy street on the way to a bar that was recommended in my Lonely Planet book. On that walk I saw friends, families, and couples all walking the streets. It was night, so I knew that if I lagged behind a couple by myself, in this part of town where the junkies roam, I could easily be measured as a threat.
A pack of homeless people posted up in the nook of a building must've saw me by myself and one of them had the courage of the numbers to call me a "dirty fucking German" as I walked past. I could've had the stones to proclaim my Irish ethnicity but who cares.
The homeless man calling me out, the couple holding hands walking in front of me picking up the pace, and the fact I was seeing people travelling in numbers really started to hit me.
I'm alone, and I'm going to be alone for a long time.
You see, this trip of mine was planned long ago. When I was 25 years old I sired this plan out of a lust of travel, a fascination with motorcycles, a love of the outdoors, and a penchant for self-abuse. This shit ain't easy.
You can blame it on sedentary midwestern culture, you could blame it on bad luck, you can blame it on me not trying hard enough, some of it is happenstance, but I didn't come across a partner that was willing to save up and do this trip with me.
Anyway, fast forward to now, and I've had the opportunity to meet many couples on the road. They hark from Arizona to Washington, Switzerland, and many many Germans. I've seen friends hitch hiking and I've seen couples even bicycling across hundreds, if not thousands of kilometers together.
Of course-- the dataset out here is skewered. I'm far more likely to find couples travelling out here on the road than I am at home. The exposure to all of it, however, makes me feel it-- loneliness.
I've found kindred spirits on the road though-- a girl travelling solo from Austria with a boyfriend back home or an Israeli who had been travelling for 7 years. I've come across people travelling alone before. People do it. Seeking them out requires a thorough search of regions where the road comes to bottlenecks- like hostels, campgrounds, and tourist locales.
Recently, however, I've found myself in busy cities, resort towns, and malls packed with mom-and-pop tourism shops. Now that I'm out of the Arctic, even if I'm surrounded in more people than I ever have been, the environs have me feeling more isolated than ever.
What kind of feelings are associated with this?
-Is this all there is? Just keep this going on repeat? (Travel fatigue)
-Am I cut out for this? (Imposter syndrome)
-I miss being able to go to a familiar location like a bar or coffee shop I know. Seeing new things every day requires more mental bandwidth to keep discovering and figuring places out. Your brain can't catch a break.
-I miss being able to see friends. The last familiar face I saw was a month ago. I liken it to the pandemic in a way, but even then, you weren't surrounded in a lot of people travelling together.
-I'd like to stay in one place for a while, but I do have timelines and costs are involved.
-Every time I make a mistake, the mental toll and damage is doubled or more. I feel like I'm making TOO many mistakes, or I'm overthinking.
-Travelling alone means I'm doing everything. Mechanic work. Navigation. Reservations. Set-up and breaking of camp. All of it.
-Responsibilities could be halved and joys could be doubled when travelling with someone. Did I do this right?
Right now, I have the subconscious feeling of my old life being over settling in. I flew back for 2 weddings in early July and August (splitting up Sagas 1, 2 and 3), so this is the first time I'm out here for over a month doing this alone. No breaks, no going back and seeing family or friends. That's why I feel like this time it's different.
I'm not homesick, per se. I'm not ready to go home.
Every time I sleep and wake up to a new day the feelings subside a little more. It's just going to take time. I'm mentally bending my will to the lifestyle. My feelings of loneliness are valid but will need to become 'part of the job'.
Maybe I'll find someone to travel with me. Maybe it will be couples, friends, or a potential significant other. Who knows. It's the road. Nothing is certain out here when you travel on the roaming homelands of the uprooted.
JT-9/12/2022