The Cruise Ship Crawler
It's like finding a polar bear in the desert. These folks really stand out. They swear that once they get off the ship they'll start dodging bullets, so don't sneak up on them. They're skiddish and easily startled. Cruise ship passengers are typically wearing button-down Hawaiian-pattern shirts, cargo shorts, and flip-flop beach sandals on uncomfortably long walks from the pier to the closest Wal-Mart.
Like turkeys, their startled eyes dart up and around, looking at everything from the street signs to the architecture. Moving in packs, they swagger back and forth across the sidewalks but don't be fooled, it's not because they're not just getting their land-legs. These guys are typically several days along in an alcohol-fueled stupor, so terra firma can be a bit jarring.
The wind, sea, and bellowing smoke stacks coupled with the rumbling of the ship's engine typically have these folks screaming at each other just to hear. Pump alcohol in them and you have a loud, rowdy, stumbling gong-show of a tourist, looking to catch the Football game in the most American-looking bar you can find.
Speaking of which, the touch-and-go nature of cruise ship visits make this the ideal visit for your average American, and it's the #1 way you'll end up seeing them visiting from their powerful nation to the north. They can stop at a place and eat something familiar like a California Burger and indulge in a Budweiser, because they expect the comforts of home abroad here. The most cultural immersion you can expect out of them is "donde esta el baño", "una cerveca por favor" and maybe sitting down with a margarita. It's the one time the insecure burly whiskey drinkers can suck down a fruity drink without catching flack from the boys at home. What happens between you and your liver in a Mexican bar stays in Mexico. No one has to know.
The Backpacker
These folks come from all over. You won't know them when you see them other than the color of their skin and look of adventure and wonder in their eyes. If you catch them at their most vulnerable, it'd typically be around bus stops and hostels when they're carrying their life's possessions on their backs. Backpackers do all they can to not draw attention, so for them, it's like being caught in public with a massive wine stain on their shirt. You don't want to be a target.
Once they've established a home base somewhere, which isn't far from bus routes, you'll find them at all the major inexpensive tourist locales. They flock to the cheaper attractions such as hiking trails to waterfalls, museums, local road-side authentic mom-and-pop taco vendors, and wildlife reserves. They're here to experience the weird and get out of their comfort zone, but they're not going to spend a lot of money. How do you think they made it here?
Their clothing tends to be more for form than function, so keep an eye out for their shoes. Light-weight hiking boots on a night out on the town is the dead giveaway. Cargo space is precious, so carrying anything other than sandals is a waste.
You can tell who the more experienced ones are by their Spanish language acquisition, or how tan they've become. The real sign of dedication to the craft is a foldable leather flat-brimmed hat. Your hardcore types might have some tips for hitch hiking and stealth camping. Invite those folks to a hike, you'll have a lot to learn from them about tips and tricks on surviving down here. Ask which direction they came from. If you're lucky enough to be headed that way, have the notes app in your phone at the ready. They're sure to have a few good gems for you to uncover.
The Honeymooners
The sky is the limit! These folks are ready to have the time of their lives and price is no obstacle. Coming off the high of their wedding, Honeymooners can be quite a roulette wheel, so it's best to take a second to know who you're dealing with. Like planning a wedding, planning a honeymoon can come with a lot of pressure. A lot is riding on this- and not only financially.
These couples come in all types, just like your average traveler, but many of them have never traveled outside of their home country before in their lives. At some point months ago, these folks were sitting at work daydreaming about this moment when they could finally exhale and let go of all of the stressors of wedding planning. They're using their life savings on this trip and it may be their only shot before the baby carriage nails them down in their home communities for good. They're here to make this count.
You'll typically find them at the expensive beach-side sand-floored restaurants. The candle-lit ones with soothing live music, trickling water fountains, trees growing right out of the ground and up through the ceiling. The honeymooners can be found flocking to zip-line canopy tours, getting the most out of their couples-discounted surfing lessons, or flying high above the surf parasailing being pulled by boat along the beach.
If you're lucky and you come across a curious, adventurous couple? You'll be in for a treat. They're here to make friends they may keep in touch with for the rest of their lives. They'll be admittedly naïve to the ways of this new world but eager to learn. Rather than stay in the resort and take the complementary shuttle to its predetermined destinations in the expensive parts of town, you'll see them take the bus or a local cab to the parts where the local Mexicans go.
If you're really unlucky, you'll find a couple that's never traveled together before. Give these folks plenty of room. You can find them sometimes pouting with scowls on their faces, posted a street corner, looking at a map, and talking past each other. They never took the time to set the pace, learn what their partner wants, and on top of all that? They're supposed to be having fun (and they're NOT) so there's a lot of pressure. The bickering can get intense with these folks. It's too late for cold feet so don't feel surprised if they're more worried about "the scoreboard" than whether or not they're having a good time.
The Snowbird
Snowbirds here in Puerto Vallarta are never American. American Snowbirds "know better". Mexico is wrought with violence and death so they typically flock to The Sunbelt or Heaven's Lobby down in Florida. You don't see American Snowbirds here in Puerto Vallarta. It's not safe.
Canadian Snowbirds though? They would go to the United States' major snowbird locations like Tampa, Flagstaff, or Palm Springs but they know better- retirement funds will go farther in Mexico than they will in the American Southwest.
Canada doesn't have a Sunbelt so they come here in droves by the thousands for months at a time. We're not talking 1-2 months during the coldest spans of winter, we're talking 'as long as they can before they lose their Canadian single-payer healthcare.' This a 7-month limit, and most of them are milking it.
Sure they have families back home and many of them still work, but the northerly latitudes of Canada's major cities have many of the older, more established Canadians ready to relax in a palm-tree world where they can be surrounded by folks their own age. They listen to the same music, remember the same good ol' days, and keep themselves socially occupied by going to their 'local' spots ran by other Canadians who made the plunge and risked life and limb by getting Mexican residency.
When they're on their tours down here, they're truly having a good time. Many of these folks really made it through their long lives unscathed and they're not worried about making a few more mistakes and earning a few more scars (and tattoos) as they make their way down the far side of The Hill.
"Homo Touristis"
Stay tuned for the Gay Tourists of Puerto Vallarta! This is so big, will be it's own Vallarta Diary entry.
12/19/2022
-JT